I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
