Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation