Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
