ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
