She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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