someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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