i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
