My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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