Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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