so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
