She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
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I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.