He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish you could order shots online.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
