How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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