Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh god it's open bar.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
