she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
