So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
