all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
