escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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