Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
