in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
