for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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