He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
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I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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