the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
