hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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