My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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