Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
