Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
my god I love twenty year old dicks
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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