I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
