I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
