Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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