i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
