i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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