If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
where are my eyebrows?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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