who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Life is so much better after having sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
