They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
