just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
