I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
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Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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