I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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