I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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