If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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