we're chasing vodka with high fives
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
They have beer where we have blood.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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