My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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