The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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