Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
