i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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