I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
