my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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