if only i could text you this smell
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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