Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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