so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
