sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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